Support Wikipedia Tiru ka Adda: April 2009

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Foot Soldiers

What I see is an army of fools treading tread ground.
Moving towards an abyss where they believe there might be light.
Fools!
Answers learnt.
Enlightenment supposedly attained.
Fools Cherished.
Questions asked to the 'knowledgable '.
Obeyance.
Servitude.
Foot soldiers worshipped for the great snail beings that they deem themselves to be.

I laugh at the fools who are all so serious about the funny rott and are jovial about all that holds dear meaning.

I laugh because I was one of them.
Or am I their leader brother sir?

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Getaway

Up from bed and shorts came on
The mirror I saw and a pair of eyes saw me
I thought they were not mine.
Shrugged it off and went on my day.
I held her hand and took her away
A long drive and a peaceful sound.
A few words exchanged and the land changed around.
A house at the distance
And sadly a clean one.

But inside was no TV and no music.
No light and no table.
A soft ground and a fire place.
It gets cool at night with the trees all around you see.
Just the 2 of us to keep us warm if no fire can be made easily.

Mornings I hear the birds and nights I hear the crickets.
Sometimes I hear my voice singing in the dark
Not to her but to myself.

There is a room - I failed to mention - which looks up at the sky.
There is no roof there sometimes.
You should see how the sky looks at night from that roof.
I have never seen such a perfect blend of creation and creation.
But, hey - you are never going to see it are you??
Unless you can replace my companion.
Sounded hilarious.

I drove back then, and she was sleeping.
Reached the apartment and when she woke up.
She cried.
I could not - I had to take care of her you see.
I looked in the mirror.
The eyes they were not mine.
They were hers.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Requiem for Solace

I hear the buzzing in my head
I can feel my shaking knees and my tired feet.
Going bonkers thinking of my head and all that it possesses.
Yes I had a dream - I stood beneath an orange sky.
There she goes away into the darkness.
There he goes following her fragrance - hoping that one day he can hold her.
He is tired of the miles behind.
I feel for him and for myself too.
It is a weird numb feeling on the toes you see.
A blinding light that shuts out all vision.
I don't understand him when he stands on that hill top and stares at the life beyond the trees.
I saw him trying to be all high and mighty
Knowing how clumsy he truly is
Knowing that the only way forward for him is into the abyss.
Away from all
Away from all
He wandered through the empty corridors of his head
Lit by fire flies.
They were few but they gave hope.
Here is some bright for your dark mind kind brother sir.
I heard him say it over and over again
There is something there
I can see it
Beyond the rainbow.
Beyond the stream
Beyond the snow and auroras
There is a warmth that I can feel from afar.
I would love to hold you dear
But promise me this
You will not speak to me.
Because it is difficult to hold a conversation with you with the want to hold a conversation.
It is hard enough to handle myself.
Please take care of yourself love.
You know what - I am saying this , but I know that if I had a chance to take care of you I would hold you and feel better myself.
I have not held you in a while love but I hold you each night.
I am sure you do not know that.
It is when I fly away into the sun and I see arms wide open.
You always rest your head on my chest and feel my breath on top of you.
But you see - I killed myself the other night when I said I am just another seed in a farm.
I hoped to be mutated.
And may be I am - may be it is something that is latent.

I saw that guy riding off into the sunrise to face a bleak future
Where he knew he would have noone and noone would have him.
It was indeed surprising that he knew himself.
Most people are too ignorant.
He had made his peace with it or so he made people feel.
I could sense a flame inside him still longing for acceptance.

He would fly alone and burn alone.
A naked soul in the realm of the dead.
The gaze that follows him is daunting.
But onwards he marches with his head held straight.
Ready to face a rock or a cannon.

That is when a feather crashed into his face.
And he fell into the pit.
The dark pit of stench and ruin.

I imagined his body moving slowly to its end.
And I laughed
For I knew that now he was at peace.
Now I was at peace
Because I could finally let go of him and lead a beautiful life.

My eyes were burning that morning.

Man Love

I looked into his eyes and I saw the sea of colours
I saw the light messing with how they appeared that morning.
I saw the innocent eyes that just wanted to quit all.
I also saw the scared eyes that belonged in a cocoon.
Another thing was - the beauty of the adventure that the eyes wanted to unleash.
I could imagine him as a kid - jovial and adventurous,
With a want to conquer all that lay ahead.
The multitude of what could have been his.
He was beautiful I must say.
His face was bearded but clean.
There were spots but something about his face was brilliant and sexy.
His eyes were dark but focused.
You could see him lose himself and dance around.
The way he carried himself was also intriguing because few people I know carried themselves that way.
May be that is when I realised that I loved him.
He stood for all that could have given me solace.
I found it funny that I was in love with a guy.
I always thought that I liked women.
But this guy made me feel different you see.
I would sit for hours at a stretch and hear him talk.
He would say the most atrocious things.
He had a wild imagination - and I found that nice.
Well - because I have been the adhering types.
I always followed the laws that were set.
I dressed as deemed correct.
I spoke and behaved like the other.
He on the other hand was wild.
Sometimes inside his head - because he knew he could not be a creature who would shock others.
Let those vile creatures be - he would say.
He said that - well, they deserve a life of their own.
The way they seem fit.
All that he had was inside his precious little head.
Closed to everyone.
And partially open to me.
He was destined or rather decided to be alone forever.
And I was all he had.
May be I was just a puppet.
A piece of entertainment for him
A way to release his art.
But I was Ok with it.
I just loved him.
One day I ran my hand across his face and I realised why I loved him that much.
It was because he was stone.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Yours


Dim lights around us when we woke up that night.
We had slept for a while and I remember you smiling when you saw me.
You looked brilliant dear.
The room was rather cool and I remember lying there with you.
I then left you to go out.
Thought I'd get some food for the two of us.
I remember feeling awfully light that night.
When I walked to the kitchen and made a pack of popcorn.
I can hear the bell when the popcorn was done - that is when I realised that I had been smiling the entire time.
It was nice that night when we spoke little.
I turned around with the food to see you standing an awkward pose.
Sitting at the dinner table and reflecting on the years gone by.
The times we got to know each other.
The long drives, the quiet meets.
The food gobbling sessions.
The lost eyes, the mischievous pranks.
Those foolish jokes and the secret fears.
We smiled remembering the times that had passed us by.
It was a moonless night and the city was silent.
A few lights down below and there we were.
A couple at the balcony holding each other gently
And looking at the world from afar.
Still remember playing with your hair
And leaning across to kiss you.
A few of our friends are going to be home tomorrow.
Bunch of oldies bringing forth memories.
And praising you.
I believe everybody misses you because you were a nice person.
You were never extraordinary to all.
Only to me I believe.
Just writing this because I felt like writing to you.
Wanted to let you know that I felt your hand touch mine just a while ago.
That you were here right now
You still have not quit playing games with me have you?
I will get you one day you foolish child!
Till then - remember that I think of you.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

A story

There was a boy I knew who was walking on grass towards a nearby hill. He had worn proper shoes so he could walk easily; there came a stream and so he mustered all the courage to jump across. When he turned around he saw that it was an approximately 10 foot wide river with a bridge across it. He shrugged it off and entered a cave. Now, let me just say that this boy was quite timid. He always worried about the future but on this particular day he seemed rather keen on emptying his desires. He carried a torch along because he knew that it was to be a long day and quite unknown. He could feel the mud crawling up his shoes and what would have normally seemed as disgusting, now seemed exhilarating. He turned around to see a dim light. Ahead was all dark. But his torch was pretty radiant and he could manage the turns and the uneven path. This was not a lone cave I must say. This was a tried path. To his right, now, he saw bones. Bare bones with spiders feasting on them. He saw a pond up ahead. Black as the surrounding and calm like the outside.

With all his clothes on he entered right in and sat at the other end with a girl. She looked quite ordinary but she said that she resided there alone. She was in fact really happy that the boy had come along. She finally had some company you see. The boy realised that in over 25 years of his existence he always craved for the physical and the erotic and right then, he realised that all he ever wanted was a beautiful mind. They kissed each other and held each others hands as they spoke of their past lives. The rollercoaster rides and the support systems. How their beliefs had changed over the years and who they were right then. They wished to be like that forever. Not in the context of romance but with respect to individuality. They had their distinct ideologies that gave them a confidence to shun the world and still be a part of it. The blasphemous society that ridiculed the extraordinary, that worshiped the superficiality and the craved for the unreachable. All that would one day wash away.

They saw in the pond a reflection of what had been and the enormity of all that lay ahead. Music, food, intelligentia, sloth, the arts and the pursuit of the naked. This is what was common. They could feel each other sighing and weeping. The thing they realised was that, alone - it just seemed futile and dreary. For all that showered might in them, they had but a single flaw. They were human.
The boy spoke now, "Let me take you with me; I know you want to stay here and you have lost all hope of what lies ahead. But let me be selfish and tell you that all I need right now is you. I wonder if I should call it love. . . But clearly, it does not matter you know. All that I know is that I am comfortable with you." She smiled and they dived into the pond. Out they came - wet, partially dressed, disillusioned and smiling. They sat at the edge of the cave. They looked at the outside and the light where the rest of civilization resided and they looked at the inside where all was pure and dark. They laughed quite heartily and held each other. She rested on his shoulder and he smelled her wet skin. Droplets of water fell on the girl's forehead and she laughed some more.

The guy justified himself. He said, " It is not the romantic and utopia, it is just that I can feel the blood flowing through me again. I am not trying to sound poetic sweety, just that I have not been able to feel my life for a long time now." The sun was setting and they decided to sleep there. Alone and cold with only each other for company. But you know how it is right? Two people get bored after a while whereas a person alone will never get bored of himself. This was so unusual - thing is they did not speak much. They slept soon and woke up with the rays of the sun.

They went back to society that day and met the next day. They climbed a hill, to build a cottage. Well furnished with basic facilities. Something to keep one cool and something to keep one warm. A stock of food. A large bed. A patch of grass. No television, no computer, no telephone, no mobile charger.

They decided that every weekend they would try to get out and come to this place on the hill that hopefully no other soul discover. Some weekends will be outings with dear friends and most weekends will be random things that need not have consequence.
The girl wanted to build a schooling system, a university, a hospital chain and restaurants. The boy wanted to create a company where the mighty survived and the intelligent thrived. The reason they finally pursued their dreams seems fairly obvious. They had finally found a support system.

One night the girl called up her partner, "Listen, I will be late tonight - so please don't stay up." The guy said, "Sure, just let me know if you need me to pick you up." And that was the end of the conversation.
The girl came home later, tired - to find a full plate of food on the table and her partner on the sofa watching a movie. It was 2 at night. They laughed and ate together.

Some years later, they went walking through the grass to the same cave. Something had changed. It seemed darker now. May be they had grown accustomed to the light. They entered the cave, removed their clothes, held hands and walked across to the pond. They swam across and sat on the ledge again. Legs dangling and smiles wide. They looked at the dark water and rested on the cold rock. They slept.

The boy turned old, a balding head and wrinkling eyes. The girl is old too, not as slender as she used to be and has trouble hearing. They go to the cottage more often now. They still talk with interest. The guy is a millionaire who spent much of his money traveling and donated a chunk of it to his partner. The girl is known through the lands for what she has done. She is happy with what she has managed to create.

They spoke of the day when the guy rescued the girl and the girl rescued the guy. They laughed. They decided to get married when they spoke about this. Not many people knew about the event. It was held at the cottage.

Some years thence, they were sitting on the swing at the garden and the guy took his last breath. The girl wept, and arranged for a celebration after the funeral for all the years that the guy had celebrated. It was a beautiful idea. The girl killed herself the next day because there was nothing life to hold on to.

The cottage still remains.
The pond still holds their faces.
The ledge is marked territory.
Nobody enters the cave now.
For people still remember the relationship of a boy and a girl.

A new View

You pass a moment when all needs to be imbibed
Come ye all and smell me dearly
You say you do not care
But you wish someone knew you just a bit more clearly

There comes a time when all you want is a flight
A shot and a puff
Seems all forgotten eh?
But let me tell you laddie - it will never be enough

The broken bones and the wicked mind
They seem to control your very nature
Aaah - yes! this is what life should be in all its entirety
The nakedness and the dystopia - they create a foul creature

You pass a long forgotten path and come up on a ghastly being
Hold my hand love and off we will go
The sunset, it seemeth so majestic kind sir
But all that lie ahead are the potholes, the pits and a lonesome black low

You latch on to this newly discovered brilliance
That lifts your very soul away
You can feel the wings and the halo and the cushion surrounding you
But have you ever heard of cinema, animation, figments of your imagination - all that never hold what you suppose they may

The pursuit of happyness and power and pride and pleasure.
The concept of hedonism and spirituality and sloth and achievement
All to be unfounded and burned and upturned and torn
For behold kind listener - you are but a slave to society and adherence and belief and enlightenment.

You will not survive too long love
It does not deserve you
You do not deserve it
Death is all that holds any clue
To what may lie ahead in the dreary darkness of a bleak future
Escape it all and tear your mind apart and relish a new view

Relish a new view.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Illusions of my stomach

Woke up at night to see a bright blue sun.
Removed my skin and wore my clothes.
Cried so much that water from all around filled me eyes.
Happiness is cruel.
The squares horizon at the distance
Realised that I have a long walk ahead of me.
Reached in 3.16 seconds
Sweated like a fairy tale princess.
The dog came and sat on my head.
An eagle came and lifted me to the sea.
14387 feet below sea level is where her nest was.
It was a bit like home
But better
There was more company there you see.
We went to the land park
Of course you understand that on land - we have a sea park and therefore in sea one would have a . . .
The mermaids they were gorgeous.
Bald heads, round figures, lilac eyes and razor sharp teeth.
I was in love it seemed.
Her name was Ghizalum
We held feet and hit each other.
I boarded the next train that led me to land.
I knew I could not be with her forever.
146 years had been a long time, not to mention the 8 months, 48 days, 982 minutes and 57996 seconds.
The train halted at the amazon rain forest where the sand was so green it reminded me of a spinach park.
Thats when I chatted with some piranhas and they guided me to the brown sun way up high.
So I borrowed a ladder and climbed the excruciating five hundred sixty five centimeters.
Again, all the water entered my body like a flash flood.
I sat on the sun and played poker with my buddies.
I won about 486 billion rupees but decided to eat it all because I was too hungry and there was no food around.I dived from the sun onto the black earth below.
I missed it and started orbiting till I gathered pace and finally entered earth.
I landed with a thud that broke the one hair that was left on my bald head.
All my eyes were full of dust
So I took a curtain to wipe the muck off.

I was tired so I decided to shoot myself with the gun I had.

Thats when I felt the a/c, blanket, bed, society and all things mundane

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Detachment

I saw the lights,

The people walking by,

The crying in the air

The screams flowing everywhere . . .

A face looked at me now

It was glowing in the dark

Thats when I said to her

Well hey,

I just need something to hold on to

So come with me away

And stand with me all day.

You make me feel like yours,

And you make me want to shout,

This is the moment

Yeah this is the moment that I – wish to see

Where I can love myself.

I went to run away

The soaring building there

The colossal window pane

The ants walking below

The shoulders dragging me down

The weary eyes, the hungry self

And the days' memories gone by . .

And thts wen I said to myself…..

I just need something….

To hold on to. . .

I reached home late at night

The food there it was cold

I did not want to sleep

Coz I felt so all alone

I switched on my player

That's when the music filled my mind

And drove the pain away

The pain that said to me

Hey – you got nothing at all

And I wonder why you still here

Thats wen I realized that all I want is this

Something to hold on to . . .



So out I brought my car

The drive it started then

I knew not where the road was headed

But I kept moving on

The buildings passing by

Society left behind

The road then ended there

And I got off from my car

Approached a near cliff

I saw the room below

The jump dfid not take long

And I went soaring through the sky

My arms held far apart

I think that was when I died

I remember

That was when I died

I gave up that day

Coz I realized

That I had nothing left to hold on to

Monday, April 6, 2009

One

It was a year ago that you came to me. When I spent time with Tirath, that is when you came to me. And I remember the moment as pure ecstasy - pure disbelief. I felt for once that all had been solved. And just now - JUST NOW - it occurred to me that what you were is what you are now. And you are still wonderful. You still make me smile. But I cannot decipher where all the confusion began. May be it was in your pursuit that I forgot the eventual goal. May be I became too preoccupied with the future that I forgot the present. Somewhere along evolution - branches erupted and these branches were . . . how can I say it? - Vicious.

One was the death bed.
One was consciousness.
One was family.
One was sloth.
One was ego.
One was pride.
One was my smile.
One was society.
One was my death bed.
One was detachment.

I believe that 'was' may be replaced by 'is'.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Side by Side

On heavy foot I tread the mucky land.
The sea roars and beckons me.
There I go forth to proclaim my rule.
I have by my side the support of my companion.
I have at my heart the warmth of a fire inside.
The burn shouts to me.
The burn, it shouts to me.
I see a giant in my path with arms swinging wild.
I say begone foul creature for you know not my wrath.
A battle ensues and might I say that it lasted for 4 seconds.

On heavy foot I tread the slippery ice.
Fear that you may walk to fast.
For you know not when you may slip into the abyss.
Fear that you may walk too slow.
For you know not when the thin ice swallows you whole.
A chill passes through my body only to be extinguished by the warm hand holding mine.

On heavy foot I tread a treacherous hill.
The rocks slide past me.
They are scared of me I think.
The water slams into my face - blinding me for a moment.
But onwards I go because I am pushing my companion ahead.
I think that person may be tired, but no fear that person holds.
For I am right behind.

On heavy foot I tread to the center of nowhere.
And there I behold that all that was past has been inconsequential.
All that I have is me and my companion.
All that I have are my memories etched forever in my head.
All that I have are my weary bones and my tired mind.
I did all this to reach the center of nowhere.
That is when I laughed.
That is when she laughed.
That is when we died.
Together.

Friday, April 3, 2009

New Love

There is a chance that I might leave you my love.

I have found someone else; and she makes me feel at peace.

But the adventure that you offer is enticing - I wonder how I will ever say no to you.

My back may ache and my head may implode - but you are the one that gave me a reason to go on.

You were the brilliance when I was all dark.

In the depth of my thoughts when I thought I had nothing to hold on to, it was you who held me in your arms.

It is in your arms that I found solace.

But my new love, she is different.

She offers me sleep and death.

She offers me a hell so brilliant that I long to be there.

She offers a present that can rival where I may ever have dreamt of being.

I am confused.

I wonder whether I will go to either one of you or to both of you.

Then again - I could leave both of you.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Change

It is entirely plausible that I may quit this existence and come to you.
It seems difficult currently but what seems more difficult is this consciousness surrounded by this cacophony.
I have lost my peace.
I feel conscious and at ease - at times.
I believe it may not last long enough because the forces that are pulling me towards you may destroy my entity.

It is entirely possible that I may quit this existence and come to you.
I saw the sky today - it seemed just at arm's length this Sunday.
And now, I cannot even see it.
I wonder where I am.
I long to belong, to rest, to pacify, to drift.
This is how it may be and I canot help but change every other moment.
Dark is the horizon and mucky is the land.
Bland is the food and parched is the water.
Throbbing is my heart and weary are my eyes.

It is entirely possible that I may quit this existence and come to you.
I remember that I dreamt and I remember how those dreams felt when I slept in your arms.
May be that is what is required.
May be that is all that is required.

It is entirely possible that I may quit this existence and come to you.
It is with you that I belong.
But do tell me when you have the time.
Why are you the way you are?
And why have you influenced me the way you have?
Who do you want to be?
What do you not want to be?
Why is your smile so brilliant?
How do you lose yourself so easily?
Do teach me how to be a bit like you.
Or not.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Etched

I was driving down an empty highway with a sun to my left - it was a peaceful Sunday.
I took a left turn and there erupted before me an orange brilliant sun.
The music started right then.
It was slow and haunting.
The car started gliding and the noise around me all stopped.
My car was silent and there was no one around me but yet there was someone nearby.
The music changed but it was always the same to me.
All at peace. All brilliant. All overwhelming.
I should have been cranky and weary.
I had been driving for too long and my muscles should have overpowered my will to be at peace.
But somehow, I was calm and smiling.
I still remember the moment when the music first entered my mind and tears came right upto my eyes.
That moment lasted a long time and vanished too abruptly.
That moment was unreal because I had never been that.
When I close my eyes I go right back to that wholesome feeling.
The dull and brilliant sun, the clear monstrous hills, the empty road, the silent car, my mind at peace, the constant buzzing of silence.
But it seems as though that moment was too far back in my past - like a distance memory.
Then again, I know I can reach out and grab it.
The hills were unusually clear and the road was scarily empty.
I still remember the noiseless feeling.
It was beautiful.
I believe it will stay with me forever.