Eyeless in the morning sun

I am flapping as hard as I can but I see no way through these broken shards.
The horizon is circular and I see a kite fly past
I lunged to grab it but it was made of silk
There goes my saviour and I cried away
I am ignoring this situation and the joy that it could bring me
There are no difficult decisions, only simple choices.
Most have been made but the loci of control do not allow peace.
I fear a lost connection and I fear having to walk alone.
There are concrete slabs and there is blood on the tar
Two bums were mating with each other and it wasn't a pleasant sight.
I got by and I saw the silken kite.
The peacock held it now and the peacock was dancing to the waving kite.
Dry leaves on the ground and crazy sparrows chirped away.
Whistling girl walked by
And my eyes faded away

Stand by me

I wait for your broad smile to blind me as I run to you
There are jungles in between us and the animals call to me...
I run and as I run I smell the dust on you
It turned to melody it did.
So here I stay, swinging away as I bask in your memories
Longing once more to have you seated next to me...
As we ride the magic brooms into a mild winter
There is only so much that I can offer you now
But I offer you respite
And this isn't a competition you once said,
And so I believe you
I believe that you will say yes when I show you a garland of daffodils and fields
We have agreed that most around us are useless
And that you are just gorgeous
We agreed on that, and you bowed your head in shame
I write this sad song to you as I think of you...
It is sad for it is poorly worded
I never did have a touch with stories I know
But let's say this for now...
I'm lying to you and I'm hiding from you
All the secrets that will be known to you when I meet you tomorrow.
Till then, sleep at peace and find a safe way home
I trust your friends and I trust your parrot
Coffee and biscuits and a sweet story just like old times...
Liquor and music and a dark sky ahead
Laughter and joy at a table for 15
Gazing away into the sea,
Gazing away into your face.
Flight of a butterfly and misery of the intolerant
We shall sit back and laugh together
Till we get tired of each other
Then we go back to our magic brooms and find a new land
A new land for a new frame in our minds
We shall laugh always
And sleep at peace
For I know how much you enjoy me
And that is reason enough.

Penance

Been so away for so long; I can't even remember at times when I used to belong to that land. There are faces that seem blurry and at times they are clear. There are scents that I still remember and there are moment that I choose not to forget. There are moments that I do not have the choice of forgetting either. Sometimes I am in pain, but a collection of all that I have heard and all that I have seen tell me that things shall even out. However, my experience tells me that things rarely even out. I miss the people and somehow, they do haunt me. I remember the feeling when I hugged her and all her friends stood watching in disbelief and joy. I also remember those lost eyes. There are so many times that I regret my anger and I regret society. Pressures build and pressures fade; hope remains. Somehow those slightly baggy jeans suited her. It was also nice when I sat on the beach with him and when I drove her home when she was drunk. Those days are gone and at times I wonder if there is any reality to the reality. The back of my neck hurts at times, it should be all the stress that I carry. I keep telling myself that life is not that complex, we only make it out to be that way. I remember him telling me to get out, he said it so plainly - I should have listened to him, but I did what I thought was right, partially because I was scared and partially because I was hopeful. I think it is possible for me to go back - to the where not to the when. I never want to go back there... That is one decision I do not regret. I believe I am about to take a step now and that should be great. It is time to quit this phase and move to certainty. There is something soothing about the variance and the randomness of everything around; rather, the perceived randomness. She spilled that drink and she apologised, I was laughing then. She said that she had a soft corner for me when she was in college. She said that she did not want to be friends with me anymore because she had 'feelings' for me. She just went away without a word because I decided to move away, she had things to do with her life, I forgot her birthday and may be that is when she realised that all that had been, had been. I had to put my foot down to do what I thought was right. I thought she looked great, but she had a horrible personality. In addition, I had no intention of liking her, nor was there anything to like about her. I believe she likes me, but knowing how phobic she is towards commitment, I dont think she will realise that she likes me, or going into the future - whether she will ever realise that she liked me once. I had forgotten how to play sports and she got me back, if only for that one day. She looked upto me and I am sure she started liking me. I have come to believe that I am perceived to be a nice guy, and a rather sensible one too. That could be the reason for her liking me so easily. And of course, she likes me and hopes that she finds someone like me, because she knows very well that I do not like her the same way. Fortunately, she is cool with that, or so I believe. Hopefully, she remains cool. I hated shouting at her and shouting at myself. I never want to go back to that. Guess I will say this to her whenever I get a chance to talk to her next. I never connected with him as much, except for him and may be him. Him, I met for too short a time, but I knew instantaneously that he was intelligent and a weird soul. Him, I have learnt to love through these years, and he is simply awesome.

Pointless

I wonder if I will ever escape this circle; I grow scared.
Will I ever be able to put my hand into my bucket?
The list shall remain untouched...
And I grow scared.
Smiling faces make me think and the accompanied efforts at blending make me whine
Driving past into the mist and the cold air reminds me of some thoughts that made me feel warm.
There were ideas inside me, and there are ideas inside her.
She sees me now and I say to her that I grow scared.
She has no words of comfort; all she has is a smile.
As she looks down upon me and nods her head in care;
I helped her out and now she holds me straight.
Flying saucers and drumming pans, the food is cooked and the waste is clean.
I sit to eat and I look around.
There is nobody there and there is no one with me.
I grow scared as I look into my plate,
I see a delicious meal and I begin to eat.
There is no salt.

There are dry conversations all around
People talking about people and sports and business and life.
I saw a lone stranger in a park gazing up at the sky on a chilly winter night.
She looked miserable, but at least she wasn't a nuisance.
I spoke to her
And she spoke to me - this is how we landed up together.

Times went by and time went by
We grew tolerant of each other and rode out the storms
She is tired now as she stands outside the door
She is waiting for me to open the door.
What I am trying to do is long for her and long for her anger.

So I opened the door and she yelled at me.
An insect had bit her on her neck
It looked more like a hickey.
It wasn't me;
Must have been some other guy (or girl)
Alas, she cheated.

But did I ever own her?
Did I ever have the right to control her decisions?
I think not...
I chose my path and my monogamy;
She chose her fulfillment.
May be I am horrible in bed...
So, what should I do?

Wallow in self pity?
Think of going to a prostitute and asking her to teach me?
I prefer sitting here at home...
Seeing her get angry, and waiting for her to leave me

My train ride

The train came up, speeding as it always does...
It stopped before me and motioned to me " Hop aboard !"
I said "OK"
The train was going back to where I belonged...
I thought to myself whether there was anything I was going back to...

May be the dark volcanoes, may be the bright skies, may be the tender arms and may be the brilliant smile.
I leave behind, the far meadows, the lonely house, the naked bed, the rat and the toil.
What shall change?

My independence and my focus.
May be it will give me a slightly different perspective and I may come back, a changed man.
One thing is bound to change - and that is the equation that has persisted for so long.

I sleep in the train now and I remember all that I want to achieve.
I also see that there is nothing great in what I want to achieve.
Most probably, the crux of the entire 'achievement' story is:

Enough to live comfortably with my witch.
Enough to look into the eyes of the man in the mirror and say:
"So I am capable; Bah!!"
Develop some pride in the haystack that I create.
Go home to my dirty witch with her ragged hair and foul breath and say:
"You are fantastic, you witch!!! Let's go for brunch tomorrow"

The fires and the pits that the train now passes, reminds me of the days gone by when there were people huddled around the master waiting for his command and doing such to earn what. Doing such because life home was valued more than the life in the volcanic mine where lava was transformed to earth.

The monster always cried foul when one of its slaves seemed tired, lazy, reluctant or impotent. The monster never understood that humans shall always cry. The monster never understood that his cave was empty and that his earth was of no great use. Yes, he wanted his own piece of land - and so he had achieved. But his battle was singular now and his victory was partially shared. The monster cried each night when he sat with himself. The monster became numb. The monster was human after all.


All of a sudden, the bridge gave way and the crystalline water below came nearer to mine eyes. I was drunk and I was senile, I tried to fly away but my wings did not spring out. I cried, for I wanted to kiss the witch one last time. Alas, the witch would never know. The three little pigs would never know. The 3 member bear family would never know. I would never know.
"There goes a life un-lived!! There goes an illusion!!!
There passes an eccentric goblin!!! There we see a nuisance to mankind!!!"

I lost her

I talk to her now in my sleep as I believe in an uncertain future. All seems lost and she has the potential to help me out. Of course, she chooses not to because as everyone knows, everyone has their own issues. We are always alone and she is alone. She saw me in school a long time ago and I remember being speechless, not because she was pretty but because she impressed me. There was just something to her demeanour; that made me want to know her a bit more. Saw her in class the next week and I tried my best to approach her in an unassuming way. It worked. We became friends.
One fine day she told me that she liked me secretly; I grew scared because I had no belief in myself. I had a fear of being someone, of being accepted by her friends, of going through my path, or much rather, finding my path!
I am lost now too.. and we are friends now. But I cannot muster up the courage to tell her that I really do not want the bond that she requests. All that I can accommodate is myself. And most probably, I want nothing whatsoever...
I have had enough of society, but I haven't had enough of companionship. This letter goes nowhere. It is cold outside as I look down at the side of this mountain, where I am so away from most things. I think I ought to relinquish this lifestyle and adapt to society. Forget my flaky wants and embrace what lies there.
I carry too heavy a burden and it pains me each day. This is what I have felt for too long, and there is no escaping it.
However, as I mentioned before - the only escape seems to be through her. I wonder if she would understand - as she isn't around anymore. She is somewhere, with her new friends and most probably with her companion. Of course, she has found someone by now. She is like me but she is smarter. She made the correct choice I believe.