Penance

Been so away for so long; I can't even remember at times when I used to belong to that land. There are faces that seem blurry and at times they are clear. There are scents that I still remember and there are moment that I choose not to forget. There are moments that I do not have the choice of forgetting either. Sometimes I am in pain, but a collection of all that I have heard and all that I have seen tell me that things shall even out. However, my experience tells me that things rarely even out. I miss the people and somehow, they do haunt me. I remember the feeling when I hugged her and all her friends stood watching in disbelief and joy. I also remember those lost eyes. There are so many times that I regret my anger and I regret society. Pressures build and pressures fade; hope remains. Somehow those slightly baggy jeans suited her. It was also nice when I sat on the beach with him and when I drove her home when she was drunk. Those days are gone and at times I wonder if there is any reality to the reality. The back of my neck hurts at times, it should be all the stress that I carry. I keep telling myself that life is not that complex, we only make it out to be that way. I remember him telling me to get out, he said it so plainly - I should have listened to him, but I did what I thought was right, partially because I was scared and partially because I was hopeful. I think it is possible for me to go back - to the where not to the when. I never want to go back there... That is one decision I do not regret. I believe I am about to take a step now and that should be great. It is time to quit this phase and move to certainty. There is something soothing about the variance and the randomness of everything around; rather, the perceived randomness. She spilled that drink and she apologised, I was laughing then. She said that she had a soft corner for me when she was in college. She said that she did not want to be friends with me anymore because she had 'feelings' for me. She just went away without a word because I decided to move away, she had things to do with her life, I forgot her birthday and may be that is when she realised that all that had been, had been. I had to put my foot down to do what I thought was right. I thought she looked great, but she had a horrible personality. In addition, I had no intention of liking her, nor was there anything to like about her. I believe she likes me, but knowing how phobic she is towards commitment, I dont think she will realise that she likes me, or going into the future - whether she will ever realise that she liked me once. I had forgotten how to play sports and she got me back, if only for that one day. She looked upto me and I am sure she started liking me. I have come to believe that I am perceived to be a nice guy, and a rather sensible one too. That could be the reason for her liking me so easily. And of course, she likes me and hopes that she finds someone like me, because she knows very well that I do not like her the same way. Fortunately, she is cool with that, or so I believe. Hopefully, she remains cool. I hated shouting at her and shouting at myself. I never want to go back to that. Guess I will say this to her whenever I get a chance to talk to her next. I never connected with him as much, except for him and may be him. Him, I met for too short a time, but I knew instantaneously that he was intelligent and a weird soul. Him, I have learnt to love through these years, and he is simply awesome.