Oh can it be?

fight it off as though your life depended on it
the wind could be knocked out of you by now
no and never

run like a breeze and if you legs ache
say that it's all in your mind
your legs might be chopped off
before the season changes

are you still afraid of being who you are
so you can hold on to that last thread
of belonging based on who you aren't
well, it doesn't matter now does it
things will change and
you will crash soon

i can hear your heart slow down
and i can see your eyes cry down
things are changing and
there is nothing you can do
no and never

there was sand once where i stand now
and as you can see
the ocean is around me now
things change my love
and i must disappoint you
once again

Seated

A cloudy day
When I looked at my hands
And I brought them near
I rest my head in them
And thought back at what was
It does not make sense now
How that time passed me by...

Oft have we felt that
Time is evil
And yet it heals
I could smell in my palms
The burden of my life before
And yet
As I stand now
I see that life has changed
And my mind is at rest
Staring time in its stride

Touch me

My life is my own
I do not care for your judgement, dear
Your hair and smell will enchant me always
But your reach shall be beyond my shell
I hold many secrets
As I have breathed many lives
I will forever remain beyond your comprehension
I pray that you do not cry, dear
For there are many moons to see
Times when I look at you
When you dream of me

Scratching at the surface now...

It's a continual scrape at my chest as my heart shivers violently.
I'm scared, to tell you the truth.
I'm scared of what lies ahead and I feel like breaking down.
I don't want it anymore,
I just crave to escape it.
May be I'll keep running away from one city to the next,
Till I find solace and some breath.
There's a throbbing pain at my head;
Something's prodding from underneath my bone.
I can withstand it for now,
But the way I see it ending is
Me falling into the sea
And not being able to shout for help;
May be I don't want help.
That shall be my goodbye.

Moshun

Excruciating pain fills my arms as the music pours through my ears. I feel my brain go numb with all the random sounds. My eyes lose focus and I am unable to stand up. Clipping my big toe off of my right foot and hanging by a noose around my waist I look at the world. You did this to me, you sick, wicked whore! There is no escaping the punishment that awaits you. No, I don't believe in karmic forces - it's just something that will happen to you, you ratfuck! There were blonde streaks as you tried to adapt but I remember filling up your room with water and unleashing electricity through it. Everything torched when I added some crude oil and I smoked my last cigarette. There is no escaping my pain as I feel my nose being ripped off and I feel my legs being torn away. Blood flowing down my body and cries of pain muffled the air around me. There is no escape. I am a whore who needs to be disposed of and I will leave this place one day.

Numb

Painless skin on a pale face
Walking to the flats
Where nothing lay and nothing shall
Drawn to the gloom
And spit from the womb
Of the hearty earth
Which had no space
Tears of fire
Rolling down his body
As he wept for some shoulder
Thorns surround and feet bleed
For to the dead he walked on well
Collapsing but a few feet away
He moaned a painful moan
Only to be swallowed by the land
From which he had grown.

Juggernaut

Propped up by this hook, falling to the floor
I cry my lungs out in longing memory
Memories they go by and I drain them out...
Sorrow will be upon me
And I wait to see how I shall see
I wait to see how I will see those times
When I have nothing to say and want nothing to do
When no voice can aid me and no hand can touch me
There will be such a time
It pains me to know that I am numb and
It pains me to know that I know not how I will feel
Sometimes I think that you are all that I have
And sometimes I grow tired of you as you do of me
Wheels keep moving and dismembered hands keep falling
Joking around as I sail through these seas
Knowing very well that I do not have the muscle at times
Knowing very well that I may not have any muscle sometimes
It is all an illusion and we believe in it
Comfort it gives us and we swim through these ices

I am waiting to let out a scream
That is what will help me straighten myself
And rid myself of this skin.

Walk Away

Knelt on his bed as he shook off his tire
Looking across at the girl next to him
He wore a coat, a hat and took his heart
Walking alone in the cold below...

Last night was a relief, he thought
Falling away into the darkness of belongings
He wants no attachment
And he wants no society
He wishes to live for nothing
But he always lives for something

It is love, it is ego, it is pride, it is sleep, it is intelligence.
Elusive it is... Everything is out of reach
Always and continually.

He walks alone in the cold
As his head begins to switch off
The cold air numbs the brain
No thoughts, no songs and no cries accumulate
There is room for nothing except for the quest to walk

He stops now,
And shuts his eyes, knowing very well that she is still at home
He hates her and his bed and his home and his clothes
He hates the mere thought of success
He loathes happiness
That's it!
He always loathed happiness...

With eyes shut,
He sees the flat sand and the blue water
A mountain on the horizon
And solace at the top

Passion was missing, he thought
He thought himself intelligent
And he knew that all that awaited on that mountain was peace
He longed for peace now
But he would long for happiness then

Spirals they are
Intertwined and revolting
Black and barren
Souls walk alone on them

Eyes shut
He turned around to go back
To his wife and his daughter
To his sorrow and his joy
To the belief that one day he would be dumb
To the belief that one day he would live

Ashes

Here I stand as I see my dreams and I light up the dark
Rainbows I hold and my eyes stay black
People walk hand in hand and they curve away
Aeroplanes and elephants with skirts drawn up tight
Beautiful white and sky high water;
Splashing about and naked mermaids
Buff bodies and puffed up fish
This is all I see and this where I want to be
Jokers laugh and mourners cry
People come and go on by
I keep telling myself that nothing is constant and nothing will be held
The cold air hurts me and my hollow heart aches
For things go on by and time flies past
Lovers lie on each other and talk while laughing
Lovers walk together, silent and quarreling...
Spiked hair and straightened hair

This is how I pass my time as I stare out of my window
I see animals walking together going into the sunset
I see them scared and alive

Take support my love for you are weak
Everything seems hazy and there is nobody near you
I know that pretty clearly for I have spoke to you
I believe I know you well but it confuses me still
It confuses me when you wear that white dress and that crooked smile
But I will say to myself that I know you.
That's that.
Naked trees await on a barren land.
Ash and a pot - and that is all that is left of me.

Penance

Been so away for so long; I can't even remember at times when I used to belong to that land. There are faces that seem blurry and at times they are clear. There are scents that I still remember and there are moment that I choose not to forget. There are moments that I do not have the choice of forgetting either. Sometimes I am in pain, but a collection of all that I have heard and all that I have seen tell me that things shall even out. However, my experience tells me that things rarely even out. I miss the people and somehow, they do haunt me. I remember the feeling when I hugged her and all her friends stood watching in disbelief and joy. I also remember those lost eyes. There are so many times that I regret my anger and I regret society. Pressures build and pressures fade; hope remains. Somehow those slightly baggy jeans suited her. It was also nice when I sat on the beach with him and when I drove her home when she was drunk. Those days are gone and at times I wonder if there is any reality to the reality. The back of my neck hurts at times, it should be all the stress that I carry. I keep telling myself that life is not that complex, we only make it out to be that way. I remember him telling me to get out, he said it so plainly - I should have listened to him, but I did what I thought was right, partially because I was scared and partially because I was hopeful. I think it is possible for me to go back - to the where not to the when. I never want to go back there... That is one decision I do not regret. I believe I am about to take a step now and that should be great. It is time to quit this phase and move to certainty. There is something soothing about the variance and the randomness of everything around; rather, the perceived randomness. She spilled that drink and she apologised, I was laughing then. She said that she had a soft corner for me when she was in college. She said that she did not want to be friends with me anymore because she had 'feelings' for me. She just went away without a word because I decided to move away, she had things to do with her life, I forgot her birthday and may be that is when she realised that all that had been, had been. I had to put my foot down to do what I thought was right. I thought she looked great, but she had a horrible personality. In addition, I had no intention of liking her, nor was there anything to like about her. I believe she likes me, but knowing how phobic she is towards commitment, I dont think she will realise that she likes me, or going into the future - whether she will ever realise that she liked me once. I had forgotten how to play sports and she got me back, if only for that one day. She looked upto me and I am sure she started liking me. I have come to believe that I am perceived to be a nice guy, and a rather sensible one too. That could be the reason for her liking me so easily. And of course, she likes me and hopes that she finds someone like me, because she knows very well that I do not like her the same way. Fortunately, she is cool with that, or so I believe. Hopefully, she remains cool. I hated shouting at her and shouting at myself. I never want to go back to that. Guess I will say this to her whenever I get a chance to talk to her next. I never connected with him as much, except for him and may be him. Him, I met for too short a time, but I knew instantaneously that he was intelligent and a weird soul. Him, I have learnt to love through these years, and he is simply awesome.

My train ride

The train came up, speeding as it always does...
It stopped before me and motioned to me " Hop aboard !"
I said "OK"
The train was going back to where I belonged...
I thought to myself whether there was anything I was going back to...

May be the dark volcanoes, may be the bright skies, may be the tender arms and may be the brilliant smile.
I leave behind, the far meadows, the lonely house, the naked bed, the rat and the toil.
What shall change?

My independence and my focus.
May be it will give me a slightly different perspective and I may come back, a changed man.
One thing is bound to change - and that is the equation that has persisted for so long.

I sleep in the train now and I remember all that I want to achieve.
I also see that there is nothing great in what I want to achieve.
Most probably, the crux of the entire 'achievement' story is:

Enough to live comfortably with my witch.
Enough to look into the eyes of the man in the mirror and say:
"So I am capable; Bah!!"
Develop some pride in the haystack that I create.
Go home to my dirty witch with her ragged hair and foul breath and say:
"You are fantastic, you witch!!! Let's go for brunch tomorrow"

The fires and the pits that the train now passes, reminds me of the days gone by when there were people huddled around the master waiting for his command and doing such to earn what. Doing such because life home was valued more than the life in the volcanic mine where lava was transformed to earth.

The monster always cried foul when one of its slaves seemed tired, lazy, reluctant or impotent. The monster never understood that humans shall always cry. The monster never understood that his cave was empty and that his earth was of no great use. Yes, he wanted his own piece of land - and so he had achieved. But his battle was singular now and his victory was partially shared. The monster cried each night when he sat with himself. The monster became numb. The monster was human after all.


All of a sudden, the bridge gave way and the crystalline water below came nearer to mine eyes. I was drunk and I was senile, I tried to fly away but my wings did not spring out. I cried, for I wanted to kiss the witch one last time. Alas, the witch would never know. The three little pigs would never know. The 3 member bear family would never know. I would never know.
"There goes a life un-lived!! There goes an illusion!!!
There passes an eccentric goblin!!! There we see a nuisance to mankind!!!"

Torture

I should be mutilated, cut open, my body parts chopped up, my brain squished in a grinder.
The ground brain should then be put next to my heart so that it blends with it.
The ground brain would then flow through my body to all parts.
Enough about the brain.
The entire idea is that I need to be put through pain.
Whenever my head hurts, what ought to be done is - slit the vein/artery running across my forehead, so the pressure is reduced and the throbbing stops.
Another idea that came to me was for my nails to be removed entirely.
Furthermore, a guy would always be pretty queasy about his private parts.

I am sick and I am sick and I am sick and I am sick of this environment.
I want out.
I want my legs in my hands because they do not belong there.
This world infuriates me and I believe that there is no spoon.
O ! I just slit my throat.
Felt good.

Worries

There is no point to how things are for they are headed nowhere.
I believe that one day I shall see you cry.
That day I shall know how things are and how things shall be.
There is no solace, of that I am sure.
May be I make this up as I write to you;
But all that matters is the clown on the street.
For he believe in me more than I ever can.
He waved at me yesterday.
He told me through his mind, he told me that I do not belong here.
I belong there, from where I came.
To where I belong.
Nobody had spoken to me the way he did then;
I believe I belong there...

But will there be anybody waiting for me back there?
How shall I be if everyone has someone new?
May be I adapt, but surely I will cry.
Which may be why I cry as I write this,
For all seems sad and dark.
If only they could wait for me.
If only the sky would seem blacker than it is.
Then I know that I could make it by.
Have felt this for the longest time now.
Have mourned for the longest time now.
Will anybody ever understand me?
Does it matter is anybody understands me?
May be all that matters is the when I reach there.
What follows then is all that matters,
And not my perception of how things might transpire.

Hope and Reason

This is the end.
For I can't take this anymore.
You believe you have a path.
No path lays there dear friend!
There is no end.
No water in sight.

All that you provide us, is hope.
And I am sure you know that.
You stopped believing in yourself too long ago.
There is nothing!

Feet come and feet go.
Voices are heard in hollow halls.
Mourning has been forgotten.
There is no triumph!
It is all a farce!

O - I see a light!!
I feel so nice now!!
Magic it is.
Nothing lays there.

People keep looking up.
People keep wondering where they walk.
What is it to which they walk?
Eventually we all tend to die.
Miseries just come by.

I see the fallen fossil.
I see the shoot from the green ground.
Nothing is real.
It seems to me that you do not have a real purpose.
It is a ride.

A ride that began when nobody was aware.
The ride shall end soon when nobody shall remain awake.
Zombies shall roam the streets.
Blood all around.
Perspiring naked beings.
As they walk back and forth and complain about how the world is a sad place.
The world is a sad place.
Nothing shall ever grow here.
Except for hope.

Gollum like

The opposites talk and the opposites nod.
The sanity remains and the insanity disappears.
The legs work their way.
And the rot materialises.
The purpose is undefined.
And the like are not to be found.
Who are you?
Is what I heard in my head.
There is no answer.
There is absolute nonsense.
There is irrelevant gossip.
It hurts me.
It pains.
I feel like Gollum