Discontinuity

There we sat facing each other.
There was not much to talk about.
But we kept talking nonetheless.
Both of us were sulking at times.
Sometimes we were jubilant.
At times we were nostalgic.
At times we turned red laughing so hard and clutching our stomachs.
We sat silently at times.
There was no awkwardness.
I would hear that person speak ceaselessly.
There we sat together.
Looking away or looking at each other.
Too shy to say that we loved each other.
May be we never needed to say it.
And there was nothing to make out of that love.
It was just there.
And I believe both of us were enjoying it.
Innocent - somewhat.
I remember my want to cry in front of that person.
I remember the long walks.
The want to stay shut and not sleep the night.
The problem is that it all ends.
But is that the real problem my friend?
I believe it could be for the best.
Or may be I just like saying that.
I wonder if I will be able to tolerate you if I meet you everyday.
Or if I were to talk to you everyday.
It is a bell curve may be.
Mean reverting.
The highs last longer in your memory than the lows which are in fact longer.
Kay sera sera.
It will all end one day.
But I hope that it at least begins before it has a chance to end.

Kwa shuns

They really make me laugh - out of bewilderment. Most of their comments make me say 'So?' - sadly only in my head. Because I really wonder HOW DOES IT MATTER!!?? This path that I am treading on is really scary because it is headed into the wild. Somewhere along my path I am bound to stumble onto society. Simply because I am too vulnerable and very weak. It is only in my head that I enjoy my delusions. They belong to me only. The time that I let it out is only while blogging, writing in my diary or laughing without a reason. May be even when I speak to certain special friends who I believe are slightly enlightened or have the capacity to endure my nonsense.
It does make me feel proud at time actually whenever I see myself from the outside - because I get to see all that I may be capable of. It may not be a lot but at least it will be a life well lived. Or so I believe.
Family, connections and society lead to responsibilies and forecasts. A set way. An organised path. Is it a sin to brake away? Or is it a sin to break away?
The road is long.
And there is no pitstop.
No company
No love.
Man has learnt to derive happiness and purpose fundamentally on the basis of society.
I ask not for money, fame, power, love; all I ask for is the truth. (This sentence is not my creation)
Well said - but hardly practical.
Then again, the realm of practicality lies with one's environment.
Onwards I go.
White ahead of me.
Dark behind me.
Vastness around me.
Fauna at the distance.
Tired are my legs.
Weary is my head.
I leave it all behind.
I leave it all.
For I long to go,
To a land where I belong.
To where I was born to die.
I go into the wild.
Life ceases.
Life erupts.
Rebirth and naked.
Vulnerable and scared.
Joyous and delusional.
I go into the wild.

Round Round

I was facing a black sky and a dark sea. I ran to the water and started floating towards a light on the horizon. Swift strokes and soon I was tired. The light was not moving so I felt better. It felt good that I was not pursuing a moving target. I heard a sound towards my left but I could not bear to turn my head an see what was approaching me. I did not have the strength. I was waiting for something that I could rest my body on - when the being approached me. She came alongside me and I regained my strength by resting on her. I told her that she need not accompany me. I started swimming again after thanking her. The light was getting closer. And I was happy that I was near it. I was swimming alone but so I thought . . . She had followed me - and I don't know why. May be even she wanted to see the light. When I got within touching distance of the light I could not believe it. There was no light! I felt frustrated. I turned around and saw the shoreline lit up like a sunny day. I smiled. The light on the horizon was only a mirror.

WTF

How do you suppose I can keep a straight face when I am infact queer?
Jovial when I am infact dull?
Gregarious when infact I am a mixture?
Really care about your problems when I am not at all concerned?
Look confident if I am feeling down?
Smile when I actually feel like bashing your face in?
Explain when I could not care less?
Fuck yourself dear.
I don't give a damn.
This is not what I want.
This is not who I want.
This is not how I want.
I want what i want -and I am sure you know what it is.
So dude, just go and find another hobby.

Eternal Darkness of the Spotted Mind

Behold the rainbow next to the moon.
Its a dark night that I see through the hole in my wall.
I am sitting on rocks that are surprisingly hard.
Was relishing the mud on my head when the horrendous sight took me away.
The rainbow was made of 4096 colours.
I counted them all and took a deep sigh of relief.
They were all present.
None of them gobbled up.

I rest my head on the pile of worms.
One wanted to enter my mouth.
It looked innocent so I let it in.
Behold the night I said to Tir.
Behold the night in all its bright glory.
See how the ghosts awake and the living go to sleep.
I saw a bat latched on to a pipe running through the height of the building opposite me.
It sucked the very water out
Till it blew up like a balloon and finally popped.

The water fell on the parasitic plants below.
One of them at my feet.
That one is actually a friend of mine.
I dont know how, but one day we just clicked.

The 7 legged saber tooth tiger galloped across the field of locusts and ate the water from within the plants.

I jumped from my window or rather, the hole in my wall onto the beast's back.

I rode with him into the sunrise.
I fell away.
I fell onto soft sand
And I broke some bones because the sand was too nice to me.
I started walking on my hands and the blood rushed to my face.
My hair became red and my feet became pale.

The painter approached me with his palette and showered me with bursts of colour.
Behold the freak - behold what this animal looks like.

I snapped at him and broke his toe.
It was juicy because it flowed with freedom.
I felt nourished again.
I felt the energy rushing back into me - I jumped to the moon and danced.
I danced till the moon was flat.

The moon was flat - The night was dark - The water was pale.
I sat alone.
Like the phoenix - dull and bright

I sat alone.
With my back to the wall.
Looking through the hole in my wall.
Looking at the same bat.
But the night was different.
The night was loud.
It cheered for me.

For you

The world will never understand what you stand for dear.
It will never be clear - why you do what you do.
It is impossible that people understand why you gaze at others.
It is impossible that people understand why you walk the way you do.
Why you stand the way you do.
Why you tire so easily.
Why you want to sleep so easily.
Why you never get sleep easily.
Why you never want to wake up.
Why you wake up so easily.
Why you sleep every moment.

You wander far away.
You get horrific dreams.
You don't realize the meaning of life.
You are a human zombie.
Your eyes are shutting.
Your nose is blocked.
You can't breathe, can you?
You don't want to breathe, do you?

It is all a farce my love.
There is nothing out there sweetheart.
I don't understand why you cry everyday.
Do you cry so that you find a meaning for your life?
There is no meaning sweety.
It is just you and I.
Nothing unless we try.

Solace is just two-fifths of a James Bond Movie.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHMMMMMMM

Do you want to cry right now darling?
Do you just want to cry?

Did the ant bite you hard?

Did you fall into the ice?

Did the navy paint you blue?

Did the bull scare the red out of you?

Did the flags scare the white out of you?

Did the pitch scare the black out of you?

Scared of the mustard so people callin' you yellow???

Sweety - you are just to scared.


Look at the detergents out in the market.
They want to erase all.
They want to erase all!!!
Why do you not get it darling?

Why do you not understand darling?

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Right back where we started frommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
This is who you are.

Let's not BLOW things out of proportion.