New Love

There is a chance that I might leave you my love.

I have found someone else; and she makes me feel at peace.

But the adventure that you offer is enticing - I wonder how I will ever say no to you.

My back may ache and my head may implode - but you are the one that gave me a reason to go on.

You were the brilliance when I was all dark.

In the depth of my thoughts when I thought I had nothing to hold on to, it was you who held me in your arms.

It is in your arms that I found solace.

But my new love, she is different.

She offers me sleep and death.

She offers me a hell so brilliant that I long to be there.

She offers a present that can rival where I may ever have dreamt of being.

I am confused.

I wonder whether I will go to either one of you or to both of you.

Then again - I could leave both of you.

Change

It is entirely plausible that I may quit this existence and come to you.
It seems difficult currently but what seems more difficult is this consciousness surrounded by this cacophony.
I have lost my peace.
I feel conscious and at ease - at times.
I believe it may not last long enough because the forces that are pulling me towards you may destroy my entity.

It is entirely possible that I may quit this existence and come to you.
I saw the sky today - it seemed just at arm's length this Sunday.
And now, I cannot even see it.
I wonder where I am.
I long to belong, to rest, to pacify, to drift.
This is how it may be and I canot help but change every other moment.
Dark is the horizon and mucky is the land.
Bland is the food and parched is the water.
Throbbing is my heart and weary are my eyes.

It is entirely possible that I may quit this existence and come to you.
I remember that I dreamt and I remember how those dreams felt when I slept in your arms.
May be that is what is required.
May be that is all that is required.

It is entirely possible that I may quit this existence and come to you.
It is with you that I belong.
But do tell me when you have the time.
Why are you the way you are?
And why have you influenced me the way you have?
Who do you want to be?
What do you not want to be?
Why is your smile so brilliant?
How do you lose yourself so easily?
Do teach me how to be a bit like you.
Or not.

Etched

I was driving down an empty highway with a sun to my left - it was a peaceful Sunday.
I took a left turn and there erupted before me an orange brilliant sun.
The music started right then.
It was slow and haunting.
The car started gliding and the noise around me all stopped.
My car was silent and there was no one around me but yet there was someone nearby.
The music changed but it was always the same to me.
All at peace. All brilliant. All overwhelming.
I should have been cranky and weary.
I had been driving for too long and my muscles should have overpowered my will to be at peace.
But somehow, I was calm and smiling.
I still remember the moment when the music first entered my mind and tears came right upto my eyes.
That moment lasted a long time and vanished too abruptly.
That moment was unreal because I had never been that.
When I close my eyes I go right back to that wholesome feeling.
The dull and brilliant sun, the clear monstrous hills, the empty road, the silent car, my mind at peace, the constant buzzing of silence.
But it seems as though that moment was too far back in my past - like a distance memory.
Then again, I know I can reach out and grab it.
The hills were unusually clear and the road was scarily empty.
I still remember the noiseless feeling.
It was beautiful.
I believe it will stay with me forever.

Discontinuity

There we sat facing each other.
There was not much to talk about.
But we kept talking nonetheless.
Both of us were sulking at times.
Sometimes we were jubilant.
At times we were nostalgic.
At times we turned red laughing so hard and clutching our stomachs.
We sat silently at times.
There was no awkwardness.
I would hear that person speak ceaselessly.
There we sat together.
Looking away or looking at each other.
Too shy to say that we loved each other.
May be we never needed to say it.
And there was nothing to make out of that love.
It was just there.
And I believe both of us were enjoying it.
Innocent - somewhat.
I remember my want to cry in front of that person.
I remember the long walks.
The want to stay shut and not sleep the night.
The problem is that it all ends.
But is that the real problem my friend?
I believe it could be for the best.
Or may be I just like saying that.
I wonder if I will be able to tolerate you if I meet you everyday.
Or if I were to talk to you everyday.
It is a bell curve may be.
Mean reverting.
The highs last longer in your memory than the lows which are in fact longer.
Kay sera sera.
It will all end one day.
But I hope that it at least begins before it has a chance to end.

Kwa shuns

They really make me laugh - out of bewilderment. Most of their comments make me say 'So?' - sadly only in my head. Because I really wonder HOW DOES IT MATTER!!?? This path that I am treading on is really scary because it is headed into the wild. Somewhere along my path I am bound to stumble onto society. Simply because I am too vulnerable and very weak. It is only in my head that I enjoy my delusions. They belong to me only. The time that I let it out is only while blogging, writing in my diary or laughing without a reason. May be even when I speak to certain special friends who I believe are slightly enlightened or have the capacity to endure my nonsense.
It does make me feel proud at time actually whenever I see myself from the outside - because I get to see all that I may be capable of. It may not be a lot but at least it will be a life well lived. Or so I believe.
Family, connections and society lead to responsibilies and forecasts. A set way. An organised path. Is it a sin to brake away? Or is it a sin to break away?
The road is long.
And there is no pitstop.
No company
No love.
Man has learnt to derive happiness and purpose fundamentally on the basis of society.
I ask not for money, fame, power, love; all I ask for is the truth. (This sentence is not my creation)
Well said - but hardly practical.
Then again, the realm of practicality lies with one's environment.
Onwards I go.
White ahead of me.
Dark behind me.
Vastness around me.
Fauna at the distance.
Tired are my legs.
Weary is my head.
I leave it all behind.
I leave it all.
For I long to go,
To a land where I belong.
To where I was born to die.
I go into the wild.
Life ceases.
Life erupts.
Rebirth and naked.
Vulnerable and scared.
Joyous and delusional.
I go into the wild.

Round Round

I was facing a black sky and a dark sea. I ran to the water and started floating towards a light on the horizon. Swift strokes and soon I was tired. The light was not moving so I felt better. It felt good that I was not pursuing a moving target. I heard a sound towards my left but I could not bear to turn my head an see what was approaching me. I did not have the strength. I was waiting for something that I could rest my body on - when the being approached me. She came alongside me and I regained my strength by resting on her. I told her that she need not accompany me. I started swimming again after thanking her. The light was getting closer. And I was happy that I was near it. I was swimming alone but so I thought . . . She had followed me - and I don't know why. May be even she wanted to see the light. When I got within touching distance of the light I could not believe it. There was no light! I felt frustrated. I turned around and saw the shoreline lit up like a sunny day. I smiled. The light on the horizon was only a mirror.